Being a student and being in a committed relationship can present you with important life roles that sometimes feel incompatible and conflictual, and at other times feel quite harmonious. Your relationship can provide you with important emotional support as you cope with the stresses of school and work, but at the same time represent additional responsibilities and demands on your time. Not surprisingly, trying to fill both roles can be a confusing and frustrating experience. As a couple, communication, and the way you handle inevitable "boundary issues" can greatly influence the quality of your life together and the quality of your student experience.

Expectations

As a student, you may expect to lead irregular hours and drop everything else in order to do the "crash" project of the day. Also, you may place a high value on independent, spontaneous activity. In some way, you may tend to put your relationship on "hold," expecting that difficulties such as unequal divisions of labor will magically disappear once you have your degree. Your partner, on the other hand, may expect you to provide predictable time, to work together to common interests, to play, and especially to communicate. Expectations for attention, emotional support and affection carry implicit expectations of time together. You may feel that you do not have enough time to fulfill all of your partner's expectations. Couples who derive satisfaction from both their relationship and their academic pursuits, tend to understand what the other's expectations are, reduce or modify certain expectations as needed, and then learn how to establish fairly clear approaches and routines for fulfilling those readjusted expectations.

Communications

Maintaining quality in a relationship requires communication. Partners need to express positive feelings, negative feelings, complaints, needs, and above all, affection. In the academic context, where the environment so clearly emphasizes the importance and independence of academic activities and perhaps by omission deemphasizes relationships and connectedness, the obvious commitment to equality and the time needed to express that commitment require careful negotiation. The student partner may need to communicate that his/her partner's needs and activities are important, too; that the impact of decisions on each person is significant; and that each person has dignity and worth as an individual. This positive context is especially important when working out possible sensitive "boundary issues."

Boundaries

Boundaries, especially time boundaries, are important because in school there is always more to be done. That does not necessarily change after graduation. It is important to learn how to set limits now. Ironically, you will probably be more effective in school and in your career if you adopt a lifestyle that allows time to take care of your work and your relationships. Above all, schedule regular and specific times to spend with your partner free of school and household responsibilities. You may enjoy being together as you do necessary tasks, but that does not adequately meet your need for time alone as a couple. Try treating these scheduled times with the same respect you would a meeting time with a boss or an advisor...more, in fact, since your partner is more important than your boss or advisor. Similarly, each of you needs to learn to say "no" to outsiders requests for time that exceed the priorities the two of you have set. Relevant questions may include,

"What am I sacrificing by spending my time this way?"
"Is it more important than time with my partner?"

Learn to consult with each other when making significant alterations in joint priorities.

Frequent Concerns

Successful relationships require each partner to take seriously the other's pressures, needs and wants, to negotiate with both partners' good in mind, and, often, to adapt to less-than-preferred decisions and circumstances. Furthermore, the old admonishment to "just try harder" may not be enough. Rather, certain problems may require totally new approaches. Here are some examples of what may be new approaches to frequent concerns.

MONEY PROBLEMS:
No matter how carefully partners budget and save, they may not have enough money. Beyond a certain point, if the student tries to earn money and goes to school at the same time, the long-run cost to the couple may be greater than if they got a loan that freed the student to finish school a year or two earlier. Considering the greater earning power of post-graduates, loans do make sense in many cases. If you are considering this (or some other) financial strategy or option, seek professional counseling. Whether that counseling comes from a campus financial aids office or from a referral from that office, it is recommended that both partners be involved in the entire counseling process.

RAT-RACING:
Along with too many hours devoted to earning money, all of your other roles and commitments and the sheer academic pace can make things unduly hectic. In order to maintain a healthy, constructive balance between school and a committed romantic relationship, you may find it necessary to take longer than you originally planned to finish your degree. It may be unreasonable to expect to keep the same schedule as your peers who do not have partners or families. Pace yourself realistically. The long-run benefits of rat-racing are often muted by damaged relationships and career burn-out...and, as the saying goes, to win a rat-race, you'll probably have to become a rat."

COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWNS:
No matter how hard couples try, they will have at least occasional communication breakdowns. A communication breakdown occurs when the speaker's intent doesn't correspond with the impact of the message received by the listener. Usually the impact is negative. The negative impact may range from feelings of mild confusion or irritation all the way to profound anger and strong beliefs that the speaker is emotionally disturbed, sinister or both. To begin resolving a communication breakdown, the listener needs to identify the impact, describe it to the speaker, and ask if that impact was intended. For example, "When you say 'X', I feel put down. That doesn't mean you are trying to put me down...I may be misinterpreting or something. Whatever, I think it would help if we talked about it." If the speaker meant no harm, the listener has done both people a favor by identifying the negative impact so it can be undone; then the original conversation can resume without as much of a handicap. If the speaker really did intend to exert a negative impact, the two should perhaps explore and resolve the reasons for that intention before going on. Having done that, the couple may find it much easier to deal with the original topic.

FLEXIBILITY OF ROLES:
Whether you and your partner are students or workers in or outside the home, balancing daily chores and management responsibilities associated with running a household can be quite a weight. Fairness in carrying out household tasks is important at all times, but at certain times of the year, such as exam time or when special projects are due, fairness requires flexibility. Good planning and open communication are essential in working out a mutual agreement about what is fair and when it is appropriate to be flexible.

Concluding Comment

Implicit in all of the preceding suggestions are the themes that when partners are equally empowered and active in decision and planning processes, the decisions and plans are more apt to be carried out and both the process and the end result tend to be more satisfying for both partners.

Top

Common Questions about Beginning, Enhancing, and Ending Relationships - SUNY at Buffalo

I've never been very good at relationships, of any kind. I don't even know how or where to begin.
Relationships begin with you, because you are half of any relations you join. So start with yourself! Don't count on a relationship to "cure" a poor self-image. It won't work. But here are some measures that can:

1.  Make an inventory of your best, most attractive qualities and affirm them to yourself often.
Avoid unrealistic standards and all-or-nothing thinking: "If I don't make an A on every test, I'm a total failure."
2.  Challenge yourself to accept and absorb compliments: a simple "thank you" raises self-esteem; negations, such as, "You like this outfit? I think it makes me look dumpy," lower self-esteem.
3.  Remember that there are no guarantees. Making gains requires taking risks. Seek out new experiences and people; then approach them with openness and curiosity. Each is an opportunity.
4.  Don't expect overnight success. Close friendships and intimate love relationships both take time to develop.

I don't think I have a poor self-concept. I feel pretty good about myself. But this is a big university, and it's easy to get lost in the crowd. How do I go about meeting people?

Your question implies that you see meeting people as something which requires effort, and you're right! No matter how stunningly attractive you may be, passively waiting for other to throw themselves your way not only doesn't work very reliably, it doesn't allow you to be very choosy.

Here are some common-sense approaches which you may find helpful:

The best way to meet people is to put yourself in places where there are likely to be other people who share your interests and values: classes, cultural events, and Student Life activities. And join an organization! Check with the Office of Student Life for information on groups based on religion, athletics, academics, political/special interests, ethnicity/culture, and service or charity.
Once you're with people, initiate a conversation by: asking a question, commenting on the situation, asking for or offering an opinion, expressing some interest, showing some concern, or offering or requesting help.
Once you've engaged someone in conversation, let him or her know you're listening and interested. Make eye contact, adopt an open posture, reflect the feelings you hear, paraphrase what he or she is saying, and ask for clarification if you don't understand.
And, again, remember: no risks, no gains. Don't be discouraged if you and the other person don`t "click" first and every time.

One thing that's difficult for me in relationships is "hanging on to myself." It seems that once I get close to someone -- roommate, friend, or lover -- I give in and accommodate so much that there's nothing left of me.

It's hard to experience fulfillment in a relationship which is not equal and reciprocal. The best way to avoid "giving yourself up" in a relationship is to develop some assertiveness skills. Learn how to express your feelings, beliefs, opinions, and needs openly and honestly. Here are some guidelines:

When stating your feelings, use "I-statements." Avoid accusatory or blaming "you-statements." They usually only result in defensiveness and counterattacks.
You have a right to have feelings and to make requests. State them directly and firmly and without apology.
Acknowledge the other person's point of view, but repeat your request as many times as necessary.
Learn to say "no" to unreasonable requests. Offer a reason not an excuse -- if you choose, but your feelings are reason enough. Trust them.

Won't I lose my friends and lover if I always insist on getting my own way?

Assertiveness is not about always getting your way. Nor is it about coercing or manipulating. Those are acts of aggression. An assertion does not violate another's rights, and it does not preclude compromise. But a compromise, by definition, meets the needs of both people as much as possible. If your friend or lover is unwilling to compromise or has no respect for your feelings, maybe there's not so much to lose.

My romantic partner and I seem to be coming from different worlds sometimes. It's pretty frustrating. What can we do about it?

It's normal for relationship partners to have different needs in at least few areas, such as: spending time with others vs. spending time with each other, wanting "quality time" together vs. needing time to be alone, going out to a movie vs. going to a ballgame, etc. Differing needs don't mean your relationship is coming apart, but it is important to communicate about them to avoid misunderstandings.

Tell your partner directly what you want or need ("I would really like to spend time alone with you tonight"), rather than expecting them to know already ("If you really cared for me, you would know what I want").

Set aside time to discuss unresolved issues: "I'm feeling uncomfortable about...and would like to talk about it. What time is agreeable to you?" Pouting, sulking, and the "silent treatment" don't make matters any better.

Inevitably you and your partner will have conflicts, but they needn't be nasty. Here are some tips for "Fair Fighting":

Use assertive language (see above for a reminder).
Avoid name calling, or intentionally calling attention to known weaknesses or sensitive issues ("hitting below the belt").
Stay in the present, don't dwell on past grievances.
Listen actively - express back to your partner what you understand his/her thoughts and feelings to be.
No "gunnysacking" (saving up hurts and hostilities and dumping them on your partner all at once).
If you are wrong, admit it!

I hear a lot about "co-dependency" in relationships. What exactly is that?

Co-dependency originally referred to the spouses or partners of alcoholics and the ways they attempt to control the effects of the other person's dependency on alcohol or drugs. More recently, the term has been used to refer to any relationship in which one person feels incomplete without the other and thus tries to control him/her. Some characteristics of co-dependency are:

Fear of change or growth in the other person.
Looking to the other person for affirmation and self-esteem.
Feeling unsure where you end and the other person begins.
Exaggerated fear of abandonment.
Psychological games and manipulation.

A healthy relationship is one that allows for the individuality and growth of both persons, is open to change, and allows both individuals to express their feelings and needs.

Top

Feelings at the End of a Relationship - SUNY at Buffalo

When a relationship ends, we can experience a welter of feelings. These feelings include:

• Denial.
  We can't believe that this is happening to us. We can't believe that the relationship is over.
• Anger.
  We are angry and often enraged at our partner or lover for shaking our world to its core.
• Fear.
  We are frightened by the intensity of our feelings. We are frightened that we may never love or be loved again. We are frightened that we may never survive our loss. But we will.
• Self-blame.
  We blame ourselves for what went wrong and replay our relationship over and over, saying to ourselves, "If only I had done this. If only I had done that".
• Sadness.
  We cry, sometimes for what seems an eternity, for we have suffered a great loss.
• Guilt.
  We feel guilty particularly if we choose to end a relationship. We don't want to hurt our partner. Yet we don't want to stay in a lifeless relationship.
• Disorientation and confusion.
  We don't know who or where we are anymore. Our familiar world has been shattered. We've lost our bearings.
• Hope. Initially we may fantasize that there will be a reconciliation, that the parting is only temporary, that our partner will come back to us. As we heal and accept the reality of the ending, we may dare to hope for a newer and better world for ourselves.
• Bargaining.
  We plead with our partner to give us a chance. "Don't go", we say. "I'll change this and I'll change that if only you'll stay".
• Relief.
  We can be relieved that there is an ending to the pain, the fighting, the torment, the lifelessness of the relationship.

While some of these feelings may seem overwhelming, they are all "normal" reactions and are necessary to the process of healing so that we can eventually move on and engage in other relationships. Be patient with yourself. And if you would like to talk your feelings over with someone, contact the Counseling Center at 614-8415. Speaking with someone can often give us perspective.

Top

Long Distance Relationships - University of Missouri

The first key to success with long distance relationships is effective communication. It is important for both parties to be able to feel that if they need to talk or write to the other person, communication will be welcomed and met with active communication from the other. The quality of the relationship is more likely to increase if both people develop the ability to share feelings openly with each other. The second key to success is a demonstrated commitment to the relationship by both parties. What kind of commitment, and how serious or light it is, will be different for different couples. Being so far apart can be a scary and risky endeavor for most couples, so the third and fourth keys are a willingness to take risks, and the presence of a solid and secure trust between the two people. This doesn't mean that each person needs to skydive from a plane, but rather, that each will trust that the other person's social life in his or her own town will not be a threat to the relationship. Trust is so important that if it isn't strong, you can make a conscious effort to work on it, both on your own and together.

This point leads to the fifth key, independence for each person, with a healthy level of dependence upon each other. When these are present, there is a balance of power in the relationship between both people, and each person can be autonomous but still get emotional needs met by the other person. Furthermore, with an appropriate balance of independence and dependence, each person is allowed, even encouraged, to grow and change as an individual, which everyone needs. It is, therefore, wise not to expect that your partner or yourself will always stay exactly the same as when the relationship started.

When these aspects of the relationship are healthy, the sixth key element tends to be naturally present, a mutual respect. Finally, none of these other elements can offer the relationship success if the seventh key element is not there, clear expectations on the part of both people. It is so very important that you figure out your own personal expectations of the other person and the relationship, and then discuss them with the other person so that both of you are clear and/or can work out differences in expectations. Without this, each person is working on a very different relationship than the other, and problems are likely. One final point about long distance relationships is that you make time together quality time, and build in some alone time during visits. Do things that draw the two of you closer, rather than emphasize the distance between you.

Strategies for Coping

Pro-active things to be doing as on-going maintenance for yourself:

Get involved in organizations or causes that you personally believe in. Put meaningful things in your life other than your significant other.
Help those who have challenging life circumstances. For example, volunteer at a nursing home or orphanage.
Make sure there are supportive people and places in your life.
Every once in a while, do something that is atypical of yourself, although not self-defeating. For example, go to a movie on a weeknight or get your hair cut.
Tend to your spiritual needs.

Specific strategies to try when the depression of missing hits you:

Let out the emotions: cry, scream, sing
Exercise, go for a run, play a sport, take a walk
Write a letter to the person, whether you send it or not, letting her/him know how you are feeling
Write poetry or a journal entry or both
Go watch a sporting event
Come into the Counseling Center to talk about it
Go see a movie: comedy to make you laugh, adventure to take you away, tearjerker to help you cry
Go to the dorm lobby or study lounge to have other people around you; don't stay alone in your room
Call, visit, or study with a friend
Take homework to a restaurant and do it over coffee or a meal

As if relationships weren't complicated enough, having them across a long distance is extremely challenging. However, throughout time couples have had to be miles apart, and have been able to maintain a solid, happy, successful relationship until they could be together again. In order to find success, there are some key elements that are necessary, which have been explained above. Without these key elements, relationships may endure, although they may not be healthy or fulfilling ones.

Top

© 1997 - 2010 · Privacy Statement · Campus Map ·  Send Feedback· Weather in Cleveland Lee University · 1120 North Ocoee Street · Cleveland, TN · 37320-3450 · 1-800-LEE-9930